Scotland July 21 - Glasgow

Glasgow Tour Bus ***

We decided for this trip to try out a tour bus that made circuits around some tourist spots and allowed you to hop off and hop on wherever you like. They also had a track that played throughout the ride giving you tidbits of information about the part of the city we were in. I liked this feature, but later on in the day (when we were just using it as a glorified taxi back to our parking garage) we had a live operator on an intercom and that was much nicer and had a bit more personality as well.
We rode the tour bus around the city once then jumped off to wander the streets.

Ruthven Lane *

There was a set of vintage shops that we stopped at that were pretty cool. There was a craft fair going on and we bounced around all the different shops, taking a bit longer in a costume shop where we tried on all manner of strange period clothing. Frankly though, the prices were a bit inflated.

Cafe Nardini ***

We stopped off at a little place on the corner that looked like an old-fashioned ice cream parlour to have our first proper bite to eat. We both enjoyed our food thoroughly, but were once again confounded by the process of ordering and receiving food. That or I was impatient from being jet-lagged.
Janet Dreamcrusher happened to like the waitress’ hair, and since something about extended periods of exhaustion make me immune to shame, I was the foreign ambassador who asked for it. I think we made her day though, because she was gracious enough about it as I asked the Dreamcrusher about the angle she wanted.

Necropolis ***

The Necropolis in Scotland is also referred to as the “Merchant’s City” or the “City of the Dead”. It is a hillock upon which several of the ‘merchant kings’ of Glasgow were buried often astride of monuments of themselves dedicated by their surviving relatives/friends/children. It'll take a fair amount of time to walk the grounds, especially if you like taking pictures like us. The views from the top of this huge graveyard are breathtaking and wonderful, definitely something to stop at and take a walk through. After all, how often can you say that you tread over the graves of the 1%?

St. Mungo’s Cathedral **

The Cathedral beside the Necropolis is beautiful and also the site of once of the coolest things I read on our trip, a little quote from Rober Louis Stevenson - “I never weary of great churches. It is my favorite kind of mountain scenery. Mankind was never so happily inspired as when it made a cathedral.” Inside is the tomb of St. Mungo and several incredible tombstones and crests that decorate the ceilings and walls. Cathedrals and churches always have some mystical feeling to them, and St. Mungos supplements it with an epic feeling of vastness.

High Street **

High street is bustling and easy to get to, has plenty of places to grab a bite and shop, and the major mall and car park are right there close to the center of town. It’s an easy place to drop off the car for the tour buses or just putz around and explore some high end clothing stores or just people watch.

Clanadonia - Tribal Music Dudes **

We happened upon a drum and pipe band performing in the street and had a seat. As with most drum circle kind of bands they really are meant to be seen live, and watching them and their infectious playing was a lot of fun. They played very upbeat music and the guys look like they genuinely enjoy what they do, so give them a listen if you get the chance.

Hanoi Bike Shop ***

What can be said about Hanoi bike shop besides “wow”? Nestled around a corner in an unassuming bohemian section of the city, our Frommer’s guide had highlighted it as delicious but we hadn’t really planned dinner out. We went there more on a whim than anything else, and after moving off the balcony due to cold temperature and winds made our order.
I got a sweet potato curry and a jasmine rice while the Dreamcrusher ordered pho. Before our food came in we were given an oil that we were warned was extremely hot and could be used to up the ante on our meal. I’m used to people being a little delicate when it comes to describing heat but something about their manner made me second guess myself and I only dropped a teaspoon into my curry when it arrived, for science.
Thank. God.
Just a teaspoon was a much bigger kick than I expected, and if I had gone with my first impulse to slosh half the cup in I’d probably have died on the bikeshop floor clutching my throat and begging for water.

Botanical II **

We shot back over to the botanical gardens to burn off the last of our energy and checked out the local vegetation in the upper gardens and played around on a children’s playplace. Unfortunately the plays and such weren’t running on Sundays so we missed out on that, but had they been that’s where we would have parked it in the grass and trees.

Scotland July 20th - Glasgow

Scotland!

“Wait Chris, didn’t you just go to a land of some sort right near there?”
“Why yes, I went to Ireland last year.”
“Well, what made you go to Scotland?”
“I just had to try flying over a small expanse of ocean in a plane powered by fan blades!”

It was myself and Janet Dreamcrusher off on another adventure in a celtic nation. Oh yes, the trip to Scotland was a whole different beast from my trip last year.

Aer Lingus x2 ***

I don’t know if we were doing something wrong or just being too cheap, but we ended up with a layover in both directions. I’m not sure if it would have been easier to fly into London and drive up to the land of the Tartans, but we just swallowed our pride and took the two layovers in stride. After all if we stopped over in Dublin then we’d have ample time to pick up some Jameson Truffle chocolate bars (this line of thinking will be important later).
Our first flight is straight to Dublin airport from JFK at 5:30p Friday night. The flight is simple enough, but try to patiently board a second plane at 6am in a foreign country without losing your mind and get back to me. If you think that’s too easy, try taking a bus to the plane which is about the size of… a bus with wings and two giant fans glued on.

 

I mean, what you really want when you’re in a hollow metal tube six miles into the atmosphere is two giant explosion tubes to propel you across the earth using invisible fire

Getting into Scotland we faced our next hurdle: this year we decided to pick up the car immediately.

Alamo **

As if switching planes after not sleeping for a full night wasn’t bad enough, we also had to wait on line for our car rental as children slept crashed out on the waiting benches. They looked how I felt, but much more at peace with it. Everyone was helpful though, so there was that.

Glasgow - Where is our hotel? *

We learned from Ireland that the signpostings for the major cities from the motorways would be pretty dynamic and fit our needs fairly well, unfortunately the cities in Scotland weren’t laid out as simple as Ireland. We probably spent a good hour in the area of our hotel while being unable to find it, going so far as to ask around 6 people. We made slow progress until someone grabbed a “Glasgow A-Z” book that pointed out the general area of the city we were supposed to be in. Another half hour of searching got us there - a half hour fraught with wrong turns and tizzies, but after we got it once we never made a wrong turn again.

We had a rocky intro - it was around 12 and we were looking to see if we could get in early. It was then that we were told that our check-in time was an hour later then it was on the website (3pm). That would have been okay except we’d been awake for 18 hours and were pretty exhausted. We went back into town to search for things to do in the meantime.

Botanical Gardens ***

The Botanical Gardens run multiple plays during the summer weekend in the greenhouses, which many people were taking advantage of and having a good laugh at a Shakespearean comedy. Unfortunately we agreed if we’d sat down for a moment we would pass out and wake up looking like well-dressed and under-equipped backpackers, so we decided to continue a garden tour.

Walking through the gardens we were able to swing around to the lower paths which led us along a river walk with outdoor body-weight workout
equipment. It was fun for a lark and made me wonder if that sort of thing appears anywhere in America. After getting through a rousing circuit we continued on to a well-deserved rest at our hotel room.

The Belhaven ***

Despite the introduction, we made it back around 3p and got to our room on the second floor. It was awesome! Huge vaulted ceiling and a view of the streets to die for. We had what we referred to as the ‘Balcony Room’ because we were situated over the entrance of the hotel which had a small overhang. The room was beautiful and was nicely located to give us a quick trip into the parts of the city we liked.

The breakfast was nice and easy without any huge surprises, which made for an easy introduction. The last thing you need getting into a foreign country is an early-morning introduction to some foul foods you'd never even consider eating at home like blood pudding or something... :)

We often grabbed our morning fruit to go as a mid-day pick me up, which made for a nice snack as we made our way around the city. All in all once you find it the Belhaven is great coming and going.

Book Review: The Ocean at the End of the Lane

The Ocean at the End of the Lane - Neil Gaiman

I'm struggling to find a way to properly characterize this book. Perhaps Neil himself said it best: It's an adult story told by a child. It's very hard to talk about this book without going into great detail as a literary criticism because the story really lends itself to that. I attended the release/book signing of it at Symphony Space in Manhattan, and it was an interesting night, to say the least.

I'd like to say that Neil is an absolute doll and I would do it again anytime as long as I could get a seat in the first 10 rows. Book signings take quite a while.

Back to the book itself. It's a story told as a memory back to when the narrator was a young boy and chronicles a short period of his life. During this time he sees a lot of terrible, eerie, supernatural things, and defeats them with the help of a friendly young girl named Lettie Hemstock.

The book is masterfully written, with just the right amount of everything. The introduction with the adult protagonist falling into memory, the thoughts and concerns of the boy, the change in him as things get more dire, and finally the disjointed ending as everything comes together. You can tell that Mr. Gaiman poured a lot of himself into this story and created something that you are meant to view as an allegory.

Because in a review you can't really dig deep into the storyline itself and I'm dieing to do a short critcism of the work, I'll be publishing a link to another post right after this. As far as the review goes, however, buy this book, read it, and really think about what is happening. This story happens on two levels, and it would be a shame to miss either of them.

Becoming an adult

This one goes out to Josh, because he asks me this from time to time.

So, occasionally a friend of mine asks me what made me realize that I was an adult. My first answer, back when he asked, was socks. I bought my own socks, and that's when I realized, 'Wow, I'm an adult'. Because I was burning my disposable income on a quality of life item like socks instead of something strictly entertainment purposes. I'll admit It was a goofy answer and only half-serious, but it remained my answer almost six months later when he asked me again so I suppose it stuck.

But I had a thought on the way home today while I was mulling over a few songs I'd been listening to. There's one song in particular - "Car Radio" by Twenty One Pilots - that really caught my attention. In the song the singer has had his car radio stolen and he's stuck driving with only himself for company, no music to distract him from his own life. His thoughts run away with him, and he wants to replace it just so he can stop being forced to think about his life on every car ride.

I'm going to be brutally honest right now - no matter how put together everyone appears to be on the outside, we're all just a genuine invitation away from a complete stranger away from bursting out with every fear and misgiving we're dealing with in our lives. Some people do it in journals, some people do it in drunken conversations, some people do it on blogs using thinly veiled allusions, but we all want to get it out.

That brings me back to our protagonist, the radioless man. He's locked away inside the car he's driving, nothing to distract him from the dissatisfaction of his lot, and he's wrecked by it. He talks about his pride being on his sleeve, the dreams (his own) he's killed and says 'I could just pull the steering wheel.'

The french have an idiom for this - "L'appel du vide" or the call of the void. 'I could just pull this steering wheel'. Terrifying, horrifying even.

Back to being an adult.

We're all scared, we don't really know what to do. This is our lot, of course. For the last few years I've always thought I knew how everything worked. I was under the impression I had it all figured out, if I was just a bit better at translating the runaway train of thought and transferring it to paper I could quantify the words that would make it okay for everyone.

I know that I was wrong. I couldn't write it then and I can't write it now. It's certainly not socks. Truly, I may only have just become an adult on this 'car ride' myself.

Because the moment I realized I was an adult was the moment I accepted that I would never know what it meant to be an adult, that I'd always be scared of something. That finally having everything together was always just out of reach. That no matter how much we think we know, there's still something more to be learned.

But hell, what do I know?

Knowledge and Understanding

There's an old rather depressing remark that comes out whenever someone is lamenting their lot in life and it usually goes "It never gets any easier". It is said in many ways, tasted in many flavors, and pokes an already sore nerve.

Oddly (or not so oddly, one supposes), it turns out that as you get older you really understand it. When you're a child and you are tired of going to school, it never gets any easier. When you are an adult getting your first job and working 20 hours a week, it never gets any easier. When you go to college and have more exams on tougher classes, it never gets any easier. When you work your 40 hour weeks, do your own laundry, cook your own food, and pay your own bills it never gets easier.

It's funny how this phrase - so simple, so effectual, can be lost on us at every step of the way, every moment, such that it may always be a hindrance to us on reminder. We know it, we've lived it, our lives never become less complex. It is only in the barest moments of self-reflection does the realization come to us, and then is gone until we complain beside a witty friend.

There is a saying in Buddhism, "Don't mistake the finger pointing at the moon for the moon." It is a fairly simple idea and explains the flaw in our spoken language. We tell each other, explain to one-another, the wisdom we have gleaned and expect transformation. People will always say that things never get easier because it is simple to say it. But those words are not enlightenment, we have done nothing more then point at the moon while the other person looks to our finger.

This is also the logic behind meditating on koans and focusing on experiencing life in the moment. We are trying to teach ourselves to see the moon rather then watching for the fingers that point to it. We want to be a part of the reality of things rather then the representations that are before us.

So when you are told something, or something is explained to you, think on it and ponder the thing that is being spoken of instead of the words that are being used to convey it. Listen mindfully to those ideas, and understand them. Knowledge is simple, understanding is complex.

Amber Alert: 100 Day Meditation Challenge Disappears at 35 days old

So I was burning up to write something - anything - about the meditation challenge since I'd let it slip off. There's always a mix of shame and relief when it comes to failing at something. You no longer have to give it your all, you no longer have to answer to yourself when you fail. No one enjoys that gentle slipping away and that feeling of 'not quite right' that settles in when you know you've given up on this day or that day. Giving up can sometimes feel too easy, with a seductive quality.

Years ago I was horribly overweight. Not just a little bit with a beer belly or anything, but unequivocally morbidly obese. I still have flashbacks of embarrassment from that time in my life, the way I treated friends and family. I was 280 pounds, and I'd stake myself depressed for a majority of it. It was no one's fault but my own, and even now I sometimes struggle with admitting that and try to blame others for it.

I reveal that because it goes hand-in-hand with the breakdown of my attempted challenge. I am no longer morbidly obese and maintain a fairly healthy weight of around 180 pounds. There was a period of my life, about a year and a half during which I worked tirelessly at fixing myself. So much so that I became fixated on those things, I endangered my health and well-being chasing self-image.

I actually spent a period of about two months in a state of constant malnutrition. I survived (barely) on egg white omelets on the morning - 75 calories, a protein shake at lunch - 400 calories, and an egg white and broccoli omelet at dinner - 175 calories.  650 calories is not enough to support a thin guy, much less a fat guy losing 5 pounds a week. All this while doing a near daily gym regiment of a 3.25 mile run and an hour of weightlifting a night.

Did I end up better for it? That's a good question. I certainly look better. Who knows what sort of havoc I subjected my body to during that period. During that time I learned a lot about myself and the way I deal with certain things. I have an obsessive nature which I can channel: In the times I wasn't starving myself and working out constantly, I also started learning to play the guitar, was regularly writing again, went out for rock climbing every week, started reading again, and had completely blocked out video games and television from my routine.


But I persevered in that mode for months, rarely eating out of step and generally being a simpleton with my nutrition. People think I have incredible willpower, I was just obsessed and berating myself for every misstep. I took my self-hatred and channeled it into a self-destructive whirlwind behind a mask of self-improvement. I was ashamed of my progress every step of the way because I knew it had become an extension of the worst part of my personality.



The meditation challenge was, and still is, something I wished I could have kept up with. But I can't let that guy who obsessively follows his whims be the driver; I was generating a lot of self-doubt and frustration from my failures and that's a quick jump to 'looks good from the outside but is a mess within' territory. It's also counter to the purposes of meditation and Buddhism. I'll return to it and continue my personal research into the eightfold path, writing about it when I find something that I can be proud to share with the people around me. Until that time comes again, I'll try to be more active on this blog about the things I'm passionate about. Thanks for reading.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 5 Retrospective

Week 5. I have a feeling this will be a short one.

I had the same issues remaining constant. I lamented it back in week 1 and I'll continue it here, I need to be doing this in the morning before I've danced with the day. I'm just tired when I get in and antsy, and I'll waste away my evenings on silly things and try to cram it in at inappropriate times.

The singing bowl is an asset because the sound is calming, but it also became a toy during a particularly difficult session and such things are warned against in many books I've read. I'll need to be careful of this device lest I let it draw my attention away from my purpose.

The finding of a Buddhist Temple near my home has intrigued me but I have no idea how to go about visiting it. Their website appears to be in Thai! I'm also quite busy throughout the week with writing, working out and visiting the girlfriend, so I'm not sure where I'd find the time. I'll have to make a plan.

Day 35 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 35

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:35pm
Experience:

Oh, how to explain this one. I was excitable by the time I got to it because I found a Buddhist temple near my house. I could have sworn I'd googled for this kind of thing a hundred times but one has been nearby since 2009. My mind was all aflutter throughout and I had trouble focusing. I used the singing bowl to start and end it and focused on my breath when I could, but my thoughts were like a tumbling waterfall.

Closing Thoughts: A temple! So excited.

Day 34 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 34

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

It was my birthday! Predictably, I missed it.

Closing Thoughts:

Day 33 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 33

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:25pm
Experience:

The singing bowl has given my mind a bit of focus this time, I could hear the echoes long after it faded and it reminded me to stay mindful. Throughout most of my meditation I remained so, but some pernicious thoughts came through, regrets and questions on decisions I've made in the past. I tried to view them simply as thoughts, but emotion runs deep in these things yet.

Closing Thoughts: Singing bowls are like echoes of calm minds, regret is a strong force.

Day 32 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 32

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:05pm
Experience:

Had a drink of my favorite wine and that made it hard to sit calmly. Sat for ten minutes, barely able to focus on breath. On the positive, I recieved a singing bowl from my girlfriend for an early birthday present which is something I'd been coveting - which I suppose it bad :) - but it made me happy. Not happy enough to break any records though, apparently.

Closing Thoughts: Alcohol and singing bowls!

Day 31 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 31

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

Missed it. Came home from the bar and just nattered away my time on games. Could I be more wasteful?

Closing Thoughts:Boo.

Hot Yoga

I'll start by saying that Hot Yoga is the closest I've ever come to dieing. After that I'll say it was also the grossest I've ever felt in my life, and I've done the Warrior Dash in full zombie makeup. By reference, the Warrior Dash is a 3 mile obstacle course that starts in a filthy river, has you crawling through mud under barbed wire, and jumping over burning coals at the finish line, but that's another post altogether.

It may come as no surprise at this point I would try something like this. Yoga is intrinsically linked with meditation in many circles and I'm a bit of a hippie so it makes sense I would end up doing it. My girlfriend had recently been getting into it and wanted someone to go with her so naturally she yoked me and dragged me out of bed at 8 in the morning on a Saturday.

Surprisingly I have no legal recourse for this treatment.

She drove us to a studio up in Bayside, NY called Hot Flex Yoga. I was already on the warpath to embarrass her as thoroughly as possible; I wore my Vibram Five-Finger shoes ('toe shoes'), pajama pants and wandered in groggily waving cash and demanding a rental mat. They obliged me and I walked past the desk with my shoes on. For the unitiated, that is a big no-no.

Shoes come off before you get past the desk, remember this. We had to endure a cheerful man literally get down on his hands and knees in front of me to wipe up the rancid street water I'd tracked in from the parking lot. They got an "A" for effort as I slinked into the studio proper and set down my mat in the balmy room.

I was interviewed quickly by the teacher (yogi? Stinking bears) regarding my physical shortcomings and informed I could quit at anytime. Whether this is a normal practice or a pointed warning was lost on me but I've been assured since that I was being marked as weak.

We went through a quick but well-described series of positions that tested my flexibility, which also exposed that I had none. I rigidly followed the instructions and in short order became a sweat faucet. Now let me be clear, I've run during NY summers which range from unbearably dry to Georgia balmy. I've done cardio at Planet Fitness during the January rush when the air conditioners broke down. I've never sweat like this.

It was about 3/4 of the way through the practice that I almost passed out for the first time. We had been down on the ground for a bit and stood back up to stretch and I started to white out so I hid from them on the floor. The environment of these sorts of classes is pretty open and judgement free so I shouldn't have felt bad, but I'm a bit self-conscious and stared intensely at the floor like I was breaking open some really advanced chakras or something.

I reprised my role as 'almost passing out guy' at the 7/8 point and the 15/16, at which point everyone else was instructed to sit down and I pretended to just be faster at sitting then they were.

The class ended with a calming led meditation focusing on each body part to relax them. This was actually a technique I learned during my daily meditation to defeat pain/discomfort and worked equally well after soaking a yoga mat in body juice. On my way out I noticed that the worker who had wiped up my street slime was also picking up every rented mat but mine and hanging them over some dryers at the front of the room. I took the hint and hung my own.

On a serious note though it was a great experience and me being out of shape is the only reason I felt funky during it. The class was taught by a very capable instructor and I never once felt bad for having to take a break. The building and studio is lovely and accessible and the price is very good for the quality of the class. If you're interested and in the greater Bayside area I'd highly recommend checking them out.

Day 30 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 30

Length: 8 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:00pm
Experience:

Focus difficult. I had some rare moments of introspection during the day though where I felt a bit more in tune with the world around me, which was different.

Closing Thoughts: Soldiering on.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 4 Retrospective

Wow, week 4. What is there to say about week 4. It's definitely my least successful. I didn't keep up with my old lengths. I had a goal to bump each sit up to 20 minutes, instead I dwindled down to 5 most days. It's mostly stress about my health and finances, which as far as woes go isn't so bad. I could be having to worry about where I'm sleeping at night or whether or not I'll have food tomorrow. Everyone is the martyr in their own lives though, aren't they?

Part of being a Buddhist is about learning to have a mindful response to both the ups and the downs of life. Instead of becoming lost in the ecstasy of a happy moment or depressed from some bad news, you approach each event with the mindfulness you foster during meditation. Understand the feelings but do not get swept up in them.

You see, in Buddhism there is a concept of dukkha which is best described (in this context) as 'non-rightness'. I like to think of it as always being "two degrees off good". When you are living your life in the day to day and suddenly you get this morose, odd feeling, that's your "two degrees" moment. It's the gulf between right now and happy. It's the expectation of being happy but not quite being there.

I've let dukkha regain a foothold in my practice. Or I've let my practice take me to a positive place often, wondering at my thoughts instead of observing them. For the first time I'm faced with dukkha, and I realize I must push on. I must meet it rather then withdraw early and give up to it.

I'll push on.

Day 29 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 29

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:30pm
Experience:

Another bad night. I feel really shaken and restless. Would it be cheating to put my closing thoughts two days in a row as "Stress!"? I think once I'm past January I'll be able to focus again.

Closing Thoughts: I think there's like, a special number of days when you're trying to do something new that it loses novelty and becomes drudgery, and I'm wondering if it's around 30 or something. I'm going to break through but in the meantime it's short sits and sadness :(

Day 28 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 28

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:13pm
Experience:

Couldn't relax and I think that a big part of the problem is that I'm not able to be mindful in my practice. I don't know if it's some looming deadline or something but I just feel like there's a great shadow over me this week. Realized I had forgot to check if a bank transfer went through and I was standing up before I even realized I was doing it.

Closing Thoughts: Stress!

Day 27 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 27

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:15pm
Experience:

Another bad day, unfortunately. I'm having trouble concentrating for variable reasons. I freaked myself out about my foot thinking that the paralysis was getting worse and in meditation I couldn't escape this consuming doom feeling. I scurried away from my pillow and tried to forget the panic.

Closing Thoughts: Need to relax about health concerns, causing too many problems.

Day 26 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 26

Length: 12 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:47am
Experience:

Mind was roiling, wouldn't quite say I got much meditation does as much as I got lots of daydreaming and fidgeting. Waiting on a package and trying yoga later. Tried my normal rounds of wishing peace and loving happiness and that saved me for a short while but I felt doomed from the start.

Closing Thoughts: All the thoughts. Also, wow, past the 1/4 mark!

Day 25 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 25

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

Missed it :(

Closing Thoughts: Mornings! Didn't sleep well most of the week and just burned out at like 9pm.

Day 24 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 24

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:45pm
Experience:

Ah a bit of drink (stronger then normal by happenstance) and my mind is all afray. Maintaining focus beyond 7 minutes or so very difficult. Songs less or a problem then just intrusive thoughts which I cannot quell. On Thursdays I must be more vigilant.

Closing Thoughts: Earlier the better! On nights I plan to go out I must get my meditation done early, patience and focus are finite even with trace amounts of drink in me.

Day 23 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 23

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:20pm
Experience:

Today I had a deep seated anxiousness that pervaded every moment. Music was back on my mind where I had not dealt with it in several days. I decided to cede this one to my brain for various reasons.

Closing Thoughts: Catchy music + medical stuff = bad sit. Not very surprising.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 3 Retrospective

This was a strange week full of large realizations and great moments for me.

A Tedx talk on the brain evolving to take any input - aural, oral, visual, etc - led me to ponder the nature of our perceptual existence. We all take input from the same structures, but there is no way to verify that there is a difference due to confirmation bias. It makes me wonder what other people experience.

Then a genuine flash of insight: we are but a moment. We are not part of the time before this moment, we are not part of the time after this moment, we simply are. I've spent much time in my life concerning myself with futures and pasts to no avail. These things cannot change nor can they be foretold. If I am right in my actions now, all worlds are satisfied.

I tried to force my mind to free itself from being bound to myself, but the response was a harder push back with odd symbolism. In my own words, "[it] led to a strange image of my back peeling away like the tines of a feather." I feel like something within this thought could be a genuine personal contribution to the community, once I've determined the wisdom behind it.

Enacting different techniques gleaned from "Mindfulness in Plain English" by Henepola Gunaratana (Available FREE from http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html though I have a copy on my Kindle) helped immensely this week. I go into more detail on today's post here, but we should reach out for help in this time of interconnected loneliness.

If you read the previous post (Day 22) feel free to ignore this, but I would like to take a moment to reiterate my favorite koan that I refer to as "Tekisui".

"
A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this temple?"
The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
"

It is a simple koan and deserves some praise. We have a young monk who, in this short narrative, represents wastefulness. He uses some water for a task then deigns to need nothing more of it and throws it upon the ground. If not for his scolding he may never have realized the error in his practice - he was wasting himself like the water.

If only it were that easy to attain nirvana!

Day 22 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 22

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:45pm
Experience:

I had a good sit today. I spent a majority of the time enacting some techniques I've been learning about in Mindfulness in Plain English: counting breaths, defeating frustration by wishing loving kindness to all things, and focusing on unpleasant feelings.

Counting breaths really helped my wandering mind, and when I met with some frustration with how my day went wishing loving kindness helped evaporate it. I was having some discomfort in my back and found the most peculiar reaction to focusing on it - it disappeared!

It made me think that perhaps minor pain was but a momentary pin prick and my brain just kept reminding me that it had happened. When I focused on it, truly focused on it and tried to observe it mindfully, it slipped away like grains of sand through my fingertips. It was quite an experience.

I also focused on my favorite koan - Tekisui. It's a simple one that has brought me great joy in its contemplation:

"
A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this temple?"
The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
"

I daresay this particular koan is the reason that I started down this path. If I had a proper meditation room or altar I'd decorate it with some kind of reference to it in order to remind me of my root.

Closing Thoughts: I should make better use of the advantages of this interconnectedness of contemporary life, I've held an electronic copy of Mindfulness in Plain English for so long but have yet to finish it even though upon each page I find great wisdom to help me in my practice. Enacting several of the techniques within have helped me greatly improve. My favorite koan still brings me great pause even now.

Day 21 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 21

Length: 14 minutes (timed)
Start:: 8:30pm
Experience:

Tonight was a good night as far as the Vipassana meditation school is concerned. I was able to refocus myself on my breath for most of the sit, it wasn't until the last five minutes or so that I had real trouble staying focused. My mind wandered to my other responsibilities and things, a bit about a game I'm playing, just the usual nonsense.

Closing Thoughts: Vipassana meditation is more calming. I need to learn to deal with distractions properly.

Day 20 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 20

Length: 8 (timed)
Start:: 10:30pm
Experience:

Nothing much to report, this time I was running a narrative in my mind. Nothing worth reporting though. I worked out properly and I'm sore as hell so I ended a little early.

Closing Thoughts:I'm boring!

Day 19 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 19

Length: 15 (timed)
Start:: 9:00pm
Experience:

I was full of thoughts again today. I start all my sits by focusing on my breath and reaching a state of relaxation, but it's no holds barred after that. Today I thought about my mind as a thing, an object on the plane of reality, and tried to ameliorate it into the fabric of all things. I tried to get my mind back on track by wishing loving kindness from myself outward to all things, but that led to a strange image of my back peeling away like the tines of a feather. I tried to determine a way in which this was relevant to mindfulness but could not find one.

Closing Thoughts: A mind unburdened by worry enjoys rampant symbolism. Unfortunately it does not reveal its secrets under scrutiny.

Day 18 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 18

Length: -
Start: -
Experience:

Didn't even think about it until I was laying in bed. Shot half-up and just accepted it.

Closing Thoughts: If this was a job, I'd be fired.

Day 17 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 17

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start: 11:05pm
Experience:

Interesting sit.

I went out to the bar today to hang out with some friends and have a beer then shot home to get my meditation in. No excuses!

I don't remember my segues very well so when I think back to my practice it's always like, I remember the major theme of my thoughts and can only expound on that here. Today, there was but one theme:

We are but a moment. There's no before and no after. The only thing that matters is that very moment you exist in. It would be wonderful to have all moments laid bare for us infinitely stretching, that we may pick and choose which ones we are. We have but the one we experience.

And that is fine.

In that moment be love and know yourself. What more can be asked for?

Closing Thoughts: We are but a moment. I feel good about my last few sits, they have led me to small realizations.

Day 16 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 16

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start: 11:10pm
Experience:

Wow, today was heavy. 

 

It started with my usual focus on the breath, then I moved into a minor mantra asking for loving kindness for myself and out to the rest of the world. At some point my focus changed...

 

I was consumed by an intense desire to ponder the barrier between the 'self' and the rest of the world, the lens through which I experience things. I watched a Tedx talk some time last week so it came as a surprise that themes from it arose during practice.

I was laser-focused on that. I considered the age-old bar philosophy question - "Is your blue my blue?" but on grander terms. When my fingertips run across a table, or clothing, what part of that does someone else experience? How would one ever know they have a damaged or incomplete lens?

All things that require conspiratorial responses would be conditioned (beauty, color, temperature, pain). There's already plenty of information on pain tolerances. So many questions!

Closing Thoughts: I see exactly how the thought process arose. My mind seized upon it and would not release - I see it as a movement toward a more right state of mind.

Day 15 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 15

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start: 9:40pm
Experience:

Better day. I got almost the whole fifteen minutes without thinking about the time. I allowed my thoughts to wander freely and watched them. Sometimes I couldn't help but try to dissect them, figure out where they were coming from. Especially thoughts that made me angry.

There are these awesome bagels with mozzarella cooked into them and I want to make myself one. I had a problem with food in the past so this was a difficult emotion to wrap my mind around. I know that I want extra food because I am stressed about the condition of my foot. I also get angry about a feeling of hopelessness in personal matters. Ultimately, it can be traced back to worry, concern and stress. I am better for realizing it.

Closing Thoughts: Realigned my focus after rereading some chapters in Mindfulness in Plain English. Feeling better about meditating.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 2 Retrospective

I missed two days this week and I've been so late that I might as well have double downed on other days. I'm doing a truly terrible job, to be honest!

But I was rereading Mindfulness in Plain English and became aware that I was treating it poorly and was looking at it from the wrong perspective. I've been trying to keep my mind clear when I'm supposed to be observing it's movement. I shouldn't be feeling shame if I miss a day. I'm to be doing this for the ability to live my life in the moment and enjoy that, rather then spending it in advance worry.

This week has been stressful. I just had to research then buy a car (researching is very stressful for me, especially when it's for major purchases), my laptop died for a period of 24 hours, loans, insurance, and there's a lot of frustration from different aspects of my personal life. I am trying to edit someone else's novel, I'm writing the second book of my own novel, and I'm dealing with medical issues from being hit by a car leaving me with no feeling in my foot. Money is a big issue, and I have a lot of demands on my time. I'm just not managing it all well, and I'm letting the mismanagement kill my meditation time when I should be using my meditation time to sort myself out.

This reads like a sob story, like a list of excuses, and it partly is. I don't want it to be but that's what I've done and it would be more shameful to erase it then to bare a bit of my soul to anyone curious enough to read.

I'll keep it up, and I'll get it under control. But I'll be damned if I let it become another thing that stresses me out.

Thanks for reading.

Day 14 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 14

Length: -

Start: -
Experience:

Through a compounding of problems, I missed day 14. Twice in one week is pretty bad. I apologize for anyone reading with regularity and is disappointed. I had some bad things happen that messed me up and I hit a wall for the day and couldn't generate the willpower to get it done.

Closing Thoughts: Shame.

Day 13 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 13

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 8:10am
Experience:

I had some more success today in having my mind be absent for short periods. I've noticed some minor improvements in my mood during the day as well, I think a byproduct of not taking everything so seriously. It might also be the new car or finding my iPod. Cest la vie.

I get wrapped up in a future argument that hasn't happened but has been on my mind and play out basically the whole thing down to my smug victory. I immediately identify each vise as they rise in my script, and feel additional shame for allowing it so much time during my meditation. My mind rebels by bringing in stronger scenarios to distract me, and it's effective. I remember now the appropriate response here is to hope that all peoples receive peace in their lives. I will need to remember this for next time.

I'm a bit more aware of the time this morning. Not sure why.

Closing Thoughts: It is like I'm getting accustomed to the quiet time and my mind is slowly acclimating to the meditation goal. It still makes tactical thoughts to distract me, but overall I feel a life improvement.

Day 12 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 12

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 8:51am
Experience:

I might have mentioned that I lost my iPod, and I think I'm finally about to give up, so it's been on my mind. I feel some aggravation about this, and some shame. I do managed to get some 'quiet time' where my mind isn't running, but I'm working to push music out of my thoughts for it.

I'm mad at myself for missing yesterday as well and I worry about how to write that entry in this blog, knowing it will be a permanent tarnish on my challenge. Such is life. I believe I can still 'succeed' and only view this as a setback.

Closing Thoughts: I'm improving, that's for sure. There's times of utter stillness in my mind, and times where distracting noises do not affect me. But my mind is still rebelling against the very idea of boredom by filling in whatever distraction it can.

Day 11 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 11

Length: -
Start: Missed
Experience:

I couldn't sit today, I was running from dusk til dawn then I gave in to a classic vice (Duck Walk Vineyards Blueberry Port - not that I'm a vino, but it's my favorite wine) while catching up on a TV show. My day: Orthopedist at 8am, work until 4:30pm, drove to the girlfriends, went straight to CVS for some aspirin, straight to dinner, came back to a bunch of minor things we had to do, finally sat for the first time and popped open the wine to have while we watched American Horror Story. We went to bed after that.

Closing Thoughts: This is a minor setback.

Day 10 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 10

Length: Less than 5 minutes (timed)
Start: 11:33pm
Experience:

I couldn't sit today, part frustration and part elation. I'll elaborate on the elation in the future, but I'm very upset with myself for losing an iPod Touch 64gb. I should probably be cultivating a sense of mind that makes such a loss irrelevant, but I like my music, especially during long car rides.

Closing Thoughts: Material possessions still have great sway over me.

Day 9 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 9

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 11:40pm
Experience:

I've been wandering into a bit stronger of a feeling of calmness. I had some pain today from a lot of moving around and other things that are going on, and I also started playing guitar again so my mind was eased. While there were loads of thoughts going through, they were less 'loud' then normal. I felt like I could really sit back and watch them.

Closing Thoughts: Certain activities are good for the meditator. I'm still stupid for always doing this so late at night.

Day 8 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 8

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start: 12:12pm
Experience:

The usual song thing. I decided to try to take charge over my mind with a mantra, though it doesn't agree with my chosen Vipassana meditation, it helps to 'blow out' the other thoughts in my head and quiets the song loops that appear to be playing.

 

After some moderate-heavy prodding on some of the things I was belly-aching over, I made some decisions and it helped to quiet some of the actual worries. The intrusive thoughts that did occur were easier just to view instead of becoming distracted by them.

Closing Thoughts: The lateness is getting to be a problem. I went out to Starbucks to do a bit of writing then came home, restrung my guitar and messed around a bit, so at least it was partially for good causes, but I have to quit going past 12. It also means I'm up later writing these posts. Solving some pressing personal issues makes for a calmer meditation.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 1 Retrospective

I was wondering what I'd really do as an introspective after writing so much about my internal thoughts throughout this exercise, but I quickly noticed that this could be a way of homing in on problems I was having and helping others to overcome them.

Morning Meditation - I still firmly believe the best time for meditation is in the morning before any other people around you are moving around. It's more peaceful and it stops you from worrying about getting it done. If I ever get a handle on myself and get to bed at a decent hour I'm going to set the alarm a half hour early so I can do some pre-work meditating.

Monkey-mind Realization - This is talked about in the simple buddha and I had forgotten the phrase until Lee Eddy reminded me in the comments of my first post. The mind will jump around and cling to whatever it is given, especially noisy distractions. If someone in your life is watching television or being loud you'll need to try to get away from them lest it interrupt your practice. I must become a bit better at moving away. Music gets locked in and interrupts me in the worst way!

Fatigue - I don't get sleepy and yawn but when I'm fatigued the quality of my attention degrades rapidly. I must sleep more and meditate earlier to avoid this, I sincerely doubt a cup of coffee prior to mindful meditation will do me any good. Reducing my stress would help, but I need to be smart. Buying a car just to get it over with would be ridiculous!

Duration - Ramp up slowly or it will feel like a chore. I've been doing alright with 10 minutes to start but a part of me craves more.

Small Benefits - I've come to some interactions in my daily life that were slower then normal, I actually took the time to think about them and work them over in my mind before attacking them. This is odd for me, and I sincerely believe it has shown some improvement. I have been a bit more mindful as well, self-talking more positively. It's like these little pieces of the day I've taken and decided are for this have rediscovered the audience of myself again, and I'm more receptive to this input then I realized.

Day 7 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 7

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 11:16pm
Experience:

Songs again. Radioactive by Imagine Dragons just completely wrecked my peace. I suppose it could be worse though, it could have been dubstep.

Focusing on the breath brought momentary reprieve. I am extremely stressed and haven't slept well, last night I realized part of my leg and foot are going numb (I'm guessing it's related to the accident), and I've begun searching for a new car because mine appears to be dieing. I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon but that does not quiet me.

My mind is racing as usual. It jumps to the usual relationships and the like. Stress makes this much harder. I lash myself internally for a lack of self control several times.

Closing Thoughts: Do not download catchy music and listen to it prior to meditating. Bad news. Stress causes me to have severe issues maintaining concentration. Perhaps read a book on meditation for 15 minutes before beginning? That might focus me.

Day 6 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 6

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start: 12:57am
Experience:

I cannot concentrate. I'm not sure what went wrong today, but I do not even make it the full five minutes. Songs and thoughts run through my head.

Closing Thoughts: Cannot overcome my mind. Will come back tomorrow.

Day 5 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 5

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start: 10:22pm
Experience:

I jumped straight up to 15 minutes because I thought it was a good time to ramp up.

 

A movie played in the background which was a minor distraction for a time, one that I ultimately was able to forget.

I sat in contemplation of things - of feelings I've been having, of anxieties, to better understand myself. I've been having some health concerns and I focused on my worries. 

 

I realized they were connected to my mortality, and that this was something that isn't directly 'agreeable' with the path. I shouldn't be worrying about life and death. Not that it's bad to seek medical attention if you think you are sick, but I am worrying for not. I am not sold on reincarnation or any sort of karma, so this is a passing thought.

I thought in passing about other things - relationships and my feelings towards them. Such are my worries. Time passed more quickly.

Closing thoughts: Improvement. I am neither happy nor sad during my meditation, which is exactly what I should be striving for. Good things then.

Day 4 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 4

Length: 12 minutes (timed)
Start: 7:30pm
Experience:

I spent the day working, then drove to my girlfriends and we went out to eat. After lazing around for an hour or so I decided I should get my meditation in while the night was young. This meant I had to work against the distractions of my SO. She happily lets me follow my practice but makes sure to chide me, and some of her words stick with me throughout.

I attempted to meditate while the television was on in the other room, sort of as a way of tracking my ability to ignore it. Looking back I was able to overcome it after a few minutes by concentrating on my breath. There was no frustration in my mind this time, which is a change. I'm no longer disheartened or frustrated by concentration difficulties. It just is.

I reach into the deep relaxation quicker now, with a slightly improved frequency. Unfortunately the deeper relaxation seems to feed into wandering thoughts of my life and situation. I think that if I was less stressed I would have less of a problem concentrating.

A positive though - despite two extra minutes of meditation time, I have almost no thoughts at all about the length or concerns about the duration I've been sitting. This is an improvement I can really get behind!

Closing thoughts: 'Active distractions' like a TV in the other room are very detrimental to my practice but may be unavoidable as I can't guarantee alone time some days. Despite this I am finding small incremental improvements; I spent less time thinking about the duration of my meditation and no longer feel bad about my own lack of concentration.

Day 3 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 3

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 12:15am (1/4/2013)
Experience:

Today was... a frustration. My car is dieing, taking a long time to start and twice in the parking lot at my job it stalls out before I can make it to my normal spot. I am stressed and this activity was pushed to the wayside so that I may binge on more pleasurable activities - gaming being one of my easiest setbacks. Oddly I manage to fold my wash before I've started the meditation. During the day today I felt a certain strange happiness as though I was more aware of the moments and reveled in them. I consider this progress.

During the meditation my thoughts run in bursts. It's late at night/early in the morning so the day has faded and I find it wandering into more esoteric thoughts about the nature of my relationships to others. Songs are stuck in my head again, inbetween the thoughts.

But this time if I force a buzz in my head and transition into focusing on my breath I can slowly ameliorate and blankly exist for short stints. During these times I can feel a deep relaxation set in. I prefer that to a state of thinking.

The conversation I plan to have brought me peace while being thought about. I have conquered, perhaps, the anxiety of that thought.

Closing thoughts: If I meditate at an extreme hour it helps to leave behind the day. I would rather not start this late because it will be disruptive to my upcoming day. Despite some major stresses I can find some relaxation in the practice. This is good. I am also improving both during practice and when going through my day.

Day 2 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 2

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 5:45pm
Experience:

My thoughts are torrential. It's late in the day so I've felt the full brunt of a working day, some bad sleep mixed in, and it wrecks my focus. I find myself constantly trying to refocus on my breath to try to get away but it doesn't work. I also made the stupid decision to play a game online before I started, which made me more irritated because I lost.

I recognize the drifting into the past, remember that I am supposed to be of the present, then realign myself with the breath again. Music is playing and occasional parts seed my conscious with lyrics.

I worry about a conversation I'll be having later in the week about possibly moving out with some friends. I don't dread the conversation but I think about it and realize it is a 'future state' that I need not concern myself with at the moment.

Closing thoughts: After work is not wise, but if I oversleep or am outside of my home it will be my only option. I'll need to cultivate a state of mindfulness that is not in competition with a long day at work.

Day 1 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Happy new year!

As part of my self-improvement for 2013 I decided to try meditating, and what better way to do so then to challenge myself to a 100 day stretch with some strangers over the internet. I’m joined up with some other meditators via Google Groups 100 Day Meditation Challenge.

I’ve had a few false start meditation plans before that generally resulted in twice a week attempts for a week or two in a row but it always falls off. I think that with this regiment and taking it slow I can really finally escape the rut.

Without further ado:

Day 1

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start: 8:50am
Experience:

I wake up and before I’m really completely together I grab a pillow and place it in front of a window in my girlfriend’s apartment. I’d prefer to meditate here because it’s quieter but I don’t live here so I want to make the most of a nice start. My mind is turbulent. Small sounds distract me. I try to remember the things I learned from reading about Vipassana meditation in Mindfulness in Plain English.

I hear my girlfriend moving inside and wonder if she’ll come out, how I’ll handle it if she wants to talk, and recognize fleetingly that I should be trying to understand why I’m preparing for a thing that hasn’t happened. I think about writing this, and wonder if anyone will be interested, then try to forget it again. I don’t remember having this much of an issue when attempting meditation in the past, but now I’m wondering if I was just ignoring the stream of thoughts that I’m tapped into now.

It’s never ending, thoughts of selfishness, pride, curiosity, worry, it’s all connected in this web. I return repeatedly to the feeling of my breath coming in and going out of my nose. It feels like a crescent on my left nostril, and helps me picture a moon. That keeps me occupied and is one of the few moments throughout the experience that I’m not busy concerning myself with things I don’t need to be thinking about.

Closing thoughts: The morning is a good time to aim for because it gives me ‘make up time’ if I miss it. I’m not really as peaceful as I thought. At least I can see it all and become more aware of it.