Knowledge and Understanding

There's an old rather depressing remark that comes out whenever someone is lamenting their lot in life and it usually goes "It never gets any easier". It is said in many ways, tasted in many flavors, and pokes an already sore nerve.

Oddly (or not so oddly, one supposes), it turns out that as you get older you really understand it. When you're a child and you are tired of going to school, it never gets any easier. When you are an adult getting your first job and working 20 hours a week, it never gets any easier. When you go to college and have more exams on tougher classes, it never gets any easier. When you work your 40 hour weeks, do your own laundry, cook your own food, and pay your own bills it never gets easier.

It's funny how this phrase - so simple, so effectual, can be lost on us at every step of the way, every moment, such that it may always be a hindrance to us on reminder. We know it, we've lived it, our lives never become less complex. It is only in the barest moments of self-reflection does the realization come to us, and then is gone until we complain beside a witty friend.

There is a saying in Buddhism, "Don't mistake the finger pointing at the moon for the moon." It is a fairly simple idea and explains the flaw in our spoken language. We tell each other, explain to one-another, the wisdom we have gleaned and expect transformation. People will always say that things never get easier because it is simple to say it. But those words are not enlightenment, we have done nothing more then point at the moon while the other person looks to our finger.

This is also the logic behind meditating on koans and focusing on experiencing life in the moment. We are trying to teach ourselves to see the moon rather then watching for the fingers that point to it. We want to be a part of the reality of things rather then the representations that are before us.

So when you are told something, or something is explained to you, think on it and ponder the thing that is being spoken of instead of the words that are being used to convey it. Listen mindfully to those ideas, and understand them. Knowledge is simple, understanding is complex.

Amber Alert: 100 Day Meditation Challenge Disappears at 35 days old

So I was burning up to write something - anything - about the meditation challenge since I'd let it slip off. There's always a mix of shame and relief when it comes to failing at something. You no longer have to give it your all, you no longer have to answer to yourself when you fail. No one enjoys that gentle slipping away and that feeling of 'not quite right' that settles in when you know you've given up on this day or that day. Giving up can sometimes feel too easy, with a seductive quality.

Years ago I was horribly overweight. Not just a little bit with a beer belly or anything, but unequivocally morbidly obese. I still have flashbacks of embarrassment from that time in my life, the way I treated friends and family. I was 280 pounds, and I'd stake myself depressed for a majority of it. It was no one's fault but my own, and even now I sometimes struggle with admitting that and try to blame others for it.

I reveal that because it goes hand-in-hand with the breakdown of my attempted challenge. I am no longer morbidly obese and maintain a fairly healthy weight of around 180 pounds. There was a period of my life, about a year and a half during which I worked tirelessly at fixing myself. So much so that I became fixated on those things, I endangered my health and well-being chasing self-image.

I actually spent a period of about two months in a state of constant malnutrition. I survived (barely) on egg white omelets on the morning - 75 calories, a protein shake at lunch - 400 calories, and an egg white and broccoli omelet at dinner - 175 calories.  650 calories is not enough to support a thin guy, much less a fat guy losing 5 pounds a week. All this while doing a near daily gym regiment of a 3.25 mile run and an hour of weightlifting a night.

Did I end up better for it? That's a good question. I certainly look better. Who knows what sort of havoc I subjected my body to during that period. During that time I learned a lot about myself and the way I deal with certain things. I have an obsessive nature which I can channel: In the times I wasn't starving myself and working out constantly, I also started learning to play the guitar, was regularly writing again, went out for rock climbing every week, started reading again, and had completely blocked out video games and television from my routine.


But I persevered in that mode for months, rarely eating out of step and generally being a simpleton with my nutrition. People think I have incredible willpower, I was just obsessed and berating myself for every misstep. I took my self-hatred and channeled it into a self-destructive whirlwind behind a mask of self-improvement. I was ashamed of my progress every step of the way because I knew it had become an extension of the worst part of my personality.



The meditation challenge was, and still is, something I wished I could have kept up with. But I can't let that guy who obsessively follows his whims be the driver; I was generating a lot of self-doubt and frustration from my failures and that's a quick jump to 'looks good from the outside but is a mess within' territory. It's also counter to the purposes of meditation and Buddhism. I'll return to it and continue my personal research into the eightfold path, writing about it when I find something that I can be proud to share with the people around me. Until that time comes again, I'll try to be more active on this blog about the things I'm passionate about. Thanks for reading.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 5 Retrospective

Week 5. I have a feeling this will be a short one.

I had the same issues remaining constant. I lamented it back in week 1 and I'll continue it here, I need to be doing this in the morning before I've danced with the day. I'm just tired when I get in and antsy, and I'll waste away my evenings on silly things and try to cram it in at inappropriate times.

The singing bowl is an asset because the sound is calming, but it also became a toy during a particularly difficult session and such things are warned against in many books I've read. I'll need to be careful of this device lest I let it draw my attention away from my purpose.

The finding of a Buddhist Temple near my home has intrigued me but I have no idea how to go about visiting it. Their website appears to be in Thai! I'm also quite busy throughout the week with writing, working out and visiting the girlfriend, so I'm not sure where I'd find the time. I'll have to make a plan.

Day 35 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 35

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:35pm
Experience:

Oh, how to explain this one. I was excitable by the time I got to it because I found a Buddhist temple near my house. I could have sworn I'd googled for this kind of thing a hundred times but one has been nearby since 2009. My mind was all aflutter throughout and I had trouble focusing. I used the singing bowl to start and end it and focused on my breath when I could, but my thoughts were like a tumbling waterfall.

Closing Thoughts: A temple! So excited.

Day 34 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 34

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

It was my birthday! Predictably, I missed it.

Closing Thoughts:

Day 33 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 33

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:25pm
Experience:

The singing bowl has given my mind a bit of focus this time, I could hear the echoes long after it faded and it reminded me to stay mindful. Throughout most of my meditation I remained so, but some pernicious thoughts came through, regrets and questions on decisions I've made in the past. I tried to view them simply as thoughts, but emotion runs deep in these things yet.

Closing Thoughts: Singing bowls are like echoes of calm minds, regret is a strong force.

Day 32 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 32

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:05pm
Experience:

Had a drink of my favorite wine and that made it hard to sit calmly. Sat for ten minutes, barely able to focus on breath. On the positive, I recieved a singing bowl from my girlfriend for an early birthday present which is something I'd been coveting - which I suppose it bad :) - but it made me happy. Not happy enough to break any records though, apparently.

Closing Thoughts: Alcohol and singing bowls!

Day 31 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 31

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

Missed it. Came home from the bar and just nattered away my time on games. Could I be more wasteful?

Closing Thoughts:Boo.

Day 30 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 30

Length: 8 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:00pm
Experience:

Focus difficult. I had some rare moments of introspection during the day though where I felt a bit more in tune with the world around me, which was different.

Closing Thoughts: Soldiering on.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 4 Retrospective

Wow, week 4. What is there to say about week 4. It's definitely my least successful. I didn't keep up with my old lengths. I had a goal to bump each sit up to 20 minutes, instead I dwindled down to 5 most days. It's mostly stress about my health and finances, which as far as woes go isn't so bad. I could be having to worry about where I'm sleeping at night or whether or not I'll have food tomorrow. Everyone is the martyr in their own lives though, aren't they?

Part of being a Buddhist is about learning to have a mindful response to both the ups and the downs of life. Instead of becoming lost in the ecstasy of a happy moment or depressed from some bad news, you approach each event with the mindfulness you foster during meditation. Understand the feelings but do not get swept up in them.

You see, in Buddhism there is a concept of dukkha which is best described (in this context) as 'non-rightness'. I like to think of it as always being "two degrees off good". When you are living your life in the day to day and suddenly you get this morose, odd feeling, that's your "two degrees" moment. It's the gulf between right now and happy. It's the expectation of being happy but not quite being there.

I've let dukkha regain a foothold in my practice. Or I've let my practice take me to a positive place often, wondering at my thoughts instead of observing them. For the first time I'm faced with dukkha, and I realize I must push on. I must meet it rather then withdraw early and give up to it.

I'll push on.

Day 29 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 29

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:30pm
Experience:

Another bad night. I feel really shaken and restless. Would it be cheating to put my closing thoughts two days in a row as "Stress!"? I think once I'm past January I'll be able to focus again.

Closing Thoughts: I think there's like, a special number of days when you're trying to do something new that it loses novelty and becomes drudgery, and I'm wondering if it's around 30 or something. I'm going to break through but in the meantime it's short sits and sadness :(

Day 28 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 28

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:13pm
Experience:

Couldn't relax and I think that a big part of the problem is that I'm not able to be mindful in my practice. I don't know if it's some looming deadline or something but I just feel like there's a great shadow over me this week. Realized I had forgot to check if a bank transfer went through and I was standing up before I even realized I was doing it.

Closing Thoughts: Stress!

Day 27 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 27

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:15pm
Experience:

Another bad day, unfortunately. I'm having trouble concentrating for variable reasons. I freaked myself out about my foot thinking that the paralysis was getting worse and in meditation I couldn't escape this consuming doom feeling. I scurried away from my pillow and tried to forget the panic.

Closing Thoughts: Need to relax about health concerns, causing too many problems.

Day 26 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 26

Length: 12 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:47am
Experience:

Mind was roiling, wouldn't quite say I got much meditation does as much as I got lots of daydreaming and fidgeting. Waiting on a package and trying yoga later. Tried my normal rounds of wishing peace and loving happiness and that saved me for a short while but I felt doomed from the start.

Closing Thoughts: All the thoughts. Also, wow, past the 1/4 mark!

Day 25 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 25

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

Missed it :(

Closing Thoughts: Mornings! Didn't sleep well most of the week and just burned out at like 9pm.

Day 24 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 24

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:45pm
Experience:

Ah a bit of drink (stronger then normal by happenstance) and my mind is all afray. Maintaining focus beyond 7 minutes or so very difficult. Songs less or a problem then just intrusive thoughts which I cannot quell. On Thursdays I must be more vigilant.

Closing Thoughts: Earlier the better! On nights I plan to go out I must get my meditation done early, patience and focus are finite even with trace amounts of drink in me.

Day 23 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 23

Length: 5 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:20pm
Experience:

Today I had a deep seated anxiousness that pervaded every moment. Music was back on my mind where I had not dealt with it in several days. I decided to cede this one to my brain for various reasons.

Closing Thoughts: Catchy music + medical stuff = bad sit. Not very surprising.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 3 Retrospective

This was a strange week full of large realizations and great moments for me.

A Tedx talk on the brain evolving to take any input - aural, oral, visual, etc - led me to ponder the nature of our perceptual existence. We all take input from the same structures, but there is no way to verify that there is a difference due to confirmation bias. It makes me wonder what other people experience.

Then a genuine flash of insight: we are but a moment. We are not part of the time before this moment, we are not part of the time after this moment, we simply are. I've spent much time in my life concerning myself with futures and pasts to no avail. These things cannot change nor can they be foretold. If I am right in my actions now, all worlds are satisfied.

I tried to force my mind to free itself from being bound to myself, but the response was a harder push back with odd symbolism. In my own words, "[it] led to a strange image of my back peeling away like the tines of a feather." I feel like something within this thought could be a genuine personal contribution to the community, once I've determined the wisdom behind it.

Enacting different techniques gleaned from "Mindfulness in Plain English" by Henepola Gunaratana (Available FREE from http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html though I have a copy on my Kindle) helped immensely this week. I go into more detail on today's post here, but we should reach out for help in this time of interconnected loneliness.

If you read the previous post (Day 22) feel free to ignore this, but I would like to take a moment to reiterate my favorite koan that I refer to as "Tekisui".

"
A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this temple?"
The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
"

It is a simple koan and deserves some praise. We have a young monk who, in this short narrative, represents wastefulness. He uses some water for a task then deigns to need nothing more of it and throws it upon the ground. If not for his scolding he may never have realized the error in his practice - he was wasting himself like the water.

If only it were that easy to attain nirvana!

Day 22 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 22

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start:: 9:45pm
Experience:

I had a good sit today. I spent a majority of the time enacting some techniques I've been learning about in Mindfulness in Plain English: counting breaths, defeating frustration by wishing loving kindness to all things, and focusing on unpleasant feelings.

Counting breaths really helped my wandering mind, and when I met with some frustration with how my day went wishing loving kindness helped evaporate it. I was having some discomfort in my back and found the most peculiar reaction to focusing on it - it disappeared!

It made me think that perhaps minor pain was but a momentary pin prick and my brain just kept reminding me that it had happened. When I focused on it, truly focused on it and tried to observe it mindfully, it slipped away like grains of sand through my fingertips. It was quite an experience.

I also focused on my favorite koan - Tekisui. It's a simple one that has brought me great joy in its contemplation:

"
A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this temple?"
The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
"

I daresay this particular koan is the reason that I started down this path. If I had a proper meditation room or altar I'd decorate it with some kind of reference to it in order to remind me of my root.

Closing Thoughts: I should make better use of the advantages of this interconnectedness of contemporary life, I've held an electronic copy of Mindfulness in Plain English for so long but have yet to finish it even though upon each page I find great wisdom to help me in my practice. Enacting several of the techniques within have helped me greatly improve. My favorite koan still brings me great pause even now.

Day 21 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 21

Length: 14 minutes (timed)
Start:: 8:30pm
Experience:

Tonight was a good night as far as the Vipassana meditation school is concerned. I was able to refocus myself on my breath for most of the sit, it wasn't until the last five minutes or so that I had real trouble staying focused. My mind wandered to my other responsibilities and things, a bit about a game I'm playing, just the usual nonsense.

Closing Thoughts: Vipassana meditation is more calming. I need to learn to deal with distractions properly.