Hot Yoga

I'll start by saying that Hot Yoga is the closest I've ever come to dieing. After that I'll say it was also the grossest I've ever felt in my life, and I've done the Warrior Dash in full zombie makeup. By reference, the Warrior Dash is a 3 mile obstacle course that starts in a filthy river, has you crawling through mud under barbed wire, and jumping over burning coals at the finish line, but that's another post altogether.

It may come as no surprise at this point I would try something like this. Yoga is intrinsically linked with meditation in many circles and I'm a bit of a hippie so it makes sense I would end up doing it. My girlfriend had recently been getting into it and wanted someone to go with her so naturally she yoked me and dragged me out of bed at 8 in the morning on a Saturday.

Surprisingly I have no legal recourse for this treatment.

She drove us to a studio up in Bayside, NY called Hot Flex Yoga. I was already on the warpath to embarrass her as thoroughly as possible; I wore my Vibram Five-Finger shoes ('toe shoes'), pajama pants and wandered in groggily waving cash and demanding a rental mat. They obliged me and I walked past the desk with my shoes on. For the unitiated, that is a big no-no.

Shoes come off before you get past the desk, remember this. We had to endure a cheerful man literally get down on his hands and knees in front of me to wipe up the rancid street water I'd tracked in from the parking lot. They got an "A" for effort as I slinked into the studio proper and set down my mat in the balmy room.

I was interviewed quickly by the teacher (yogi? Stinking bears) regarding my physical shortcomings and informed I could quit at anytime. Whether this is a normal practice or a pointed warning was lost on me but I've been assured since that I was being marked as weak.

We went through a quick but well-described series of positions that tested my flexibility, which also exposed that I had none. I rigidly followed the instructions and in short order became a sweat faucet. Now let me be clear, I've run during NY summers which range from unbearably dry to Georgia balmy. I've done cardio at Planet Fitness during the January rush when the air conditioners broke down. I've never sweat like this.

It was about 3/4 of the way through the practice that I almost passed out for the first time. We had been down on the ground for a bit and stood back up to stretch and I started to white out so I hid from them on the floor. The environment of these sorts of classes is pretty open and judgement free so I shouldn't have felt bad, but I'm a bit self-conscious and stared intensely at the floor like I was breaking open some really advanced chakras or something.

I reprised my role as 'almost passing out guy' at the 7/8 point and the 15/16, at which point everyone else was instructed to sit down and I pretended to just be faster at sitting then they were.

The class ended with a calming led meditation focusing on each body part to relax them. This was actually a technique I learned during my daily meditation to defeat pain/discomfort and worked equally well after soaking a yoga mat in body juice. On my way out I noticed that the worker who had wiped up my street slime was also picking up every rented mat but mine and hanging them over some dryers at the front of the room. I took the hint and hung my own.

On a serious note though it was a great experience and me being out of shape is the only reason I felt funky during it. The class was taught by a very capable instructor and I never once felt bad for having to take a break. The building and studio is lovely and accessible and the price is very good for the quality of the class. If you're interested and in the greater Bayside area I'd highly recommend checking them out.