Amber Alert: 100 Day Meditation Challenge Disappears at 35 days old

So I was burning up to write something - anything - about the meditation challenge since I'd let it slip off. There's always a mix of shame and relief when it comes to failing at something. You no longer have to give it your all, you no longer have to answer to yourself when you fail. No one enjoys that gentle slipping away and that feeling of 'not quite right' that settles in when you know you've given up on this day or that day. Giving up can sometimes feel too easy, with a seductive quality.

Years ago I was horribly overweight. Not just a little bit with a beer belly or anything, but unequivocally morbidly obese. I still have flashbacks of embarrassment from that time in my life, the way I treated friends and family. I was 280 pounds, and I'd stake myself depressed for a majority of it. It was no one's fault but my own, and even now I sometimes struggle with admitting that and try to blame others for it.

I reveal that because it goes hand-in-hand with the breakdown of my attempted challenge. I am no longer morbidly obese and maintain a fairly healthy weight of around 180 pounds. There was a period of my life, about a year and a half during which I worked tirelessly at fixing myself. So much so that I became fixated on those things, I endangered my health and well-being chasing self-image.

I actually spent a period of about two months in a state of constant malnutrition. I survived (barely) on egg white omelets on the morning - 75 calories, a protein shake at lunch - 400 calories, and an egg white and broccoli omelet at dinner - 175 calories.  650 calories is not enough to support a thin guy, much less a fat guy losing 5 pounds a week. All this while doing a near daily gym regiment of a 3.25 mile run and an hour of weightlifting a night.

Did I end up better for it? That's a good question. I certainly look better. Who knows what sort of havoc I subjected my body to during that period. During that time I learned a lot about myself and the way I deal with certain things. I have an obsessive nature which I can channel: In the times I wasn't starving myself and working out constantly, I also started learning to play the guitar, was regularly writing again, went out for rock climbing every week, started reading again, and had completely blocked out video games and television from my routine.


But I persevered in that mode for months, rarely eating out of step and generally being a simpleton with my nutrition. People think I have incredible willpower, I was just obsessed and berating myself for every misstep. I took my self-hatred and channeled it into a self-destructive whirlwind behind a mask of self-improvement. I was ashamed of my progress every step of the way because I knew it had become an extension of the worst part of my personality.



The meditation challenge was, and still is, something I wished I could have kept up with. But I can't let that guy who obsessively follows his whims be the driver; I was generating a lot of self-doubt and frustration from my failures and that's a quick jump to 'looks good from the outside but is a mess within' territory. It's also counter to the purposes of meditation and Buddhism. I'll return to it and continue my personal research into the eightfold path, writing about it when I find something that I can be proud to share with the people around me. Until that time comes again, I'll try to be more active on this blog about the things I'm passionate about. Thanks for reading.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 5 Retrospective

Week 5. I have a feeling this will be a short one.

I had the same issues remaining constant. I lamented it back in week 1 and I'll continue it here, I need to be doing this in the morning before I've danced with the day. I'm just tired when I get in and antsy, and I'll waste away my evenings on silly things and try to cram it in at inappropriate times.

The singing bowl is an asset because the sound is calming, but it also became a toy during a particularly difficult session and such things are warned against in many books I've read. I'll need to be careful of this device lest I let it draw my attention away from my purpose.

The finding of a Buddhist Temple near my home has intrigued me but I have no idea how to go about visiting it. Their website appears to be in Thai! I'm also quite busy throughout the week with writing, working out and visiting the girlfriend, so I'm not sure where I'd find the time. I'll have to make a plan.

Day 35 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 35

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:35pm
Experience:

Oh, how to explain this one. I was excitable by the time I got to it because I found a Buddhist temple near my house. I could have sworn I'd googled for this kind of thing a hundred times but one has been nearby since 2009. My mind was all aflutter throughout and I had trouble focusing. I used the singing bowl to start and end it and focused on my breath when I could, but my thoughts were like a tumbling waterfall.

Closing Thoughts: A temple! So excited.

Day 34 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 34

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

It was my birthday! Predictably, I missed it.

Closing Thoughts:

Day 33 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 33

Length: 15 minutes (timed)
Start:: 10:25pm
Experience:

The singing bowl has given my mind a bit of focus this time, I could hear the echoes long after it faded and it reminded me to stay mindful. Throughout most of my meditation I remained so, but some pernicious thoughts came through, regrets and questions on decisions I've made in the past. I tried to view them simply as thoughts, but emotion runs deep in these things yet.

Closing Thoughts: Singing bowls are like echoes of calm minds, regret is a strong force.

Day 32 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 32

Length: 10 minutes (timed)
Start:: 11:05pm
Experience:

Had a drink of my favorite wine and that made it hard to sit calmly. Sat for ten minutes, barely able to focus on breath. On the positive, I recieved a singing bowl from my girlfriend for an early birthday present which is something I'd been coveting - which I suppose it bad :) - but it made me happy. Not happy enough to break any records though, apparently.

Closing Thoughts: Alcohol and singing bowls!

Day 31 - 100 Day Meditation Challenge

Day 31

Length: - minutes (timed)
Start:: -
Experience:

Missed it. Came home from the bar and just nattered away my time on games. Could I be more wasteful?

Closing Thoughts:Boo.