Amber Alert: 100 Day Meditation Challenge Disappears at 35 days old

So I was burning up to write something - anything - about the meditation challenge since I'd let it slip off. There's always a mix of shame and relief when it comes to failing at something. You no longer have to give it your all, you no longer have to answer to yourself when you fail. No one enjoys that gentle slipping away and that feeling of 'not quite right' that settles in when you know you've given up on this day or that day. Giving up can sometimes feel too easy, with a seductive quality.

Years ago I was horribly overweight. Not just a little bit with a beer belly or anything, but unequivocally morbidly obese. I still have flashbacks of embarrassment from that time in my life, the way I treated friends and family. I was 280 pounds, and I'd stake myself depressed for a majority of it. It was no one's fault but my own, and even now I sometimes struggle with admitting that and try to blame others for it.

I reveal that because it goes hand-in-hand with the breakdown of my attempted challenge. I am no longer morbidly obese and maintain a fairly healthy weight of around 180 pounds. There was a period of my life, about a year and a half during which I worked tirelessly at fixing myself. So much so that I became fixated on those things, I endangered my health and well-being chasing self-image.

I actually spent a period of about two months in a state of constant malnutrition. I survived (barely) on egg white omelets on the morning - 75 calories, a protein shake at lunch - 400 calories, and an egg white and broccoli omelet at dinner - 175 calories.  650 calories is not enough to support a thin guy, much less a fat guy losing 5 pounds a week. All this while doing a near daily gym regiment of a 3.25 mile run and an hour of weightlifting a night.

Did I end up better for it? That's a good question. I certainly look better. Who knows what sort of havoc I subjected my body to during that period. During that time I learned a lot about myself and the way I deal with certain things. I have an obsessive nature which I can channel: In the times I wasn't starving myself and working out constantly, I also started learning to play the guitar, was regularly writing again, went out for rock climbing every week, started reading again, and had completely blocked out video games and television from my routine.


But I persevered in that mode for months, rarely eating out of step and generally being a simpleton with my nutrition. People think I have incredible willpower, I was just obsessed and berating myself for every misstep. I took my self-hatred and channeled it into a self-destructive whirlwind behind a mask of self-improvement. I was ashamed of my progress every step of the way because I knew it had become an extension of the worst part of my personality.



The meditation challenge was, and still is, something I wished I could have kept up with. But I can't let that guy who obsessively follows his whims be the driver; I was generating a lot of self-doubt and frustration from my failures and that's a quick jump to 'looks good from the outside but is a mess within' territory. It's also counter to the purposes of meditation and Buddhism. I'll return to it and continue my personal research into the eightfold path, writing about it when I find something that I can be proud to share with the people around me. Until that time comes again, I'll try to be more active on this blog about the things I'm passionate about. Thanks for reading.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 5 Retrospective

Week 5. I have a feeling this will be a short one.

I had the same issues remaining constant. I lamented it back in week 1 and I'll continue it here, I need to be doing this in the morning before I've danced with the day. I'm just tired when I get in and antsy, and I'll waste away my evenings on silly things and try to cram it in at inappropriate times.

The singing bowl is an asset because the sound is calming, but it also became a toy during a particularly difficult session and such things are warned against in many books I've read. I'll need to be careful of this device lest I let it draw my attention away from my purpose.

The finding of a Buddhist Temple near my home has intrigued me but I have no idea how to go about visiting it. Their website appears to be in Thai! I'm also quite busy throughout the week with writing, working out and visiting the girlfriend, so I'm not sure where I'd find the time. I'll have to make a plan.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 4 Retrospective

Wow, week 4. What is there to say about week 4. It's definitely my least successful. I didn't keep up with my old lengths. I had a goal to bump each sit up to 20 minutes, instead I dwindled down to 5 most days. It's mostly stress about my health and finances, which as far as woes go isn't so bad. I could be having to worry about where I'm sleeping at night or whether or not I'll have food tomorrow. Everyone is the martyr in their own lives though, aren't they?

Part of being a Buddhist is about learning to have a mindful response to both the ups and the downs of life. Instead of becoming lost in the ecstasy of a happy moment or depressed from some bad news, you approach each event with the mindfulness you foster during meditation. Understand the feelings but do not get swept up in them.

You see, in Buddhism there is a concept of dukkha which is best described (in this context) as 'non-rightness'. I like to think of it as always being "two degrees off good". When you are living your life in the day to day and suddenly you get this morose, odd feeling, that's your "two degrees" moment. It's the gulf between right now and happy. It's the expectation of being happy but not quite being there.

I've let dukkha regain a foothold in my practice. Or I've let my practice take me to a positive place often, wondering at my thoughts instead of observing them. For the first time I'm faced with dukkha, and I realize I must push on. I must meet it rather then withdraw early and give up to it.

I'll push on.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 3 Retrospective

This was a strange week full of large realizations and great moments for me.

A Tedx talk on the brain evolving to take any input - aural, oral, visual, etc - led me to ponder the nature of our perceptual existence. We all take input from the same structures, but there is no way to verify that there is a difference due to confirmation bias. It makes me wonder what other people experience.

Then a genuine flash of insight: we are but a moment. We are not part of the time before this moment, we are not part of the time after this moment, we simply are. I've spent much time in my life concerning myself with futures and pasts to no avail. These things cannot change nor can they be foretold. If I am right in my actions now, all worlds are satisfied.

I tried to force my mind to free itself from being bound to myself, but the response was a harder push back with odd symbolism. In my own words, "[it] led to a strange image of my back peeling away like the tines of a feather." I feel like something within this thought could be a genuine personal contribution to the community, once I've determined the wisdom behind it.

Enacting different techniques gleaned from "Mindfulness in Plain English" by Henepola Gunaratana (Available FREE from http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html though I have a copy on my Kindle) helped immensely this week. I go into more detail on today's post here, but we should reach out for help in this time of interconnected loneliness.

If you read the previous post (Day 22) feel free to ignore this, but I would like to take a moment to reiterate my favorite koan that I refer to as "Tekisui".

"
A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this temple?"
The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
"

It is a simple koan and deserves some praise. We have a young monk who, in this short narrative, represents wastefulness. He uses some water for a task then deigns to need nothing more of it and throws it upon the ground. If not for his scolding he may never have realized the error in his practice - he was wasting himself like the water.

If only it were that easy to attain nirvana!

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 2 Retrospective

I missed two days this week and I've been so late that I might as well have double downed on other days. I'm doing a truly terrible job, to be honest!

But I was rereading Mindfulness in Plain English and became aware that I was treating it poorly and was looking at it from the wrong perspective. I've been trying to keep my mind clear when I'm supposed to be observing it's movement. I shouldn't be feeling shame if I miss a day. I'm to be doing this for the ability to live my life in the moment and enjoy that, rather then spending it in advance worry.

This week has been stressful. I just had to research then buy a car (researching is very stressful for me, especially when it's for major purchases), my laptop died for a period of 24 hours, loans, insurance, and there's a lot of frustration from different aspects of my personal life. I am trying to edit someone else's novel, I'm writing the second book of my own novel, and I'm dealing with medical issues from being hit by a car leaving me with no feeling in my foot. Money is a big issue, and I have a lot of demands on my time. I'm just not managing it all well, and I'm letting the mismanagement kill my meditation time when I should be using my meditation time to sort myself out.

This reads like a sob story, like a list of excuses, and it partly is. I don't want it to be but that's what I've done and it would be more shameful to erase it then to bare a bit of my soul to anyone curious enough to read.

I'll keep it up, and I'll get it under control. But I'll be damned if I let it become another thing that stresses me out.

Thanks for reading.

100 Day Meditation Challenge: Week 1 Retrospective

I was wondering what I'd really do as an introspective after writing so much about my internal thoughts throughout this exercise, but I quickly noticed that this could be a way of homing in on problems I was having and helping others to overcome them.

Morning Meditation - I still firmly believe the best time for meditation is in the morning before any other people around you are moving around. It's more peaceful and it stops you from worrying about getting it done. If I ever get a handle on myself and get to bed at a decent hour I'm going to set the alarm a half hour early so I can do some pre-work meditating.

Monkey-mind Realization - This is talked about in the simple buddha and I had forgotten the phrase until Lee Eddy reminded me in the comments of my first post. The mind will jump around and cling to whatever it is given, especially noisy distractions. If someone in your life is watching television or being loud you'll need to try to get away from them lest it interrupt your practice. I must become a bit better at moving away. Music gets locked in and interrupts me in the worst way!

Fatigue - I don't get sleepy and yawn but when I'm fatigued the quality of my attention degrades rapidly. I must sleep more and meditate earlier to avoid this, I sincerely doubt a cup of coffee prior to mindful meditation will do me any good. Reducing my stress would help, but I need to be smart. Buying a car just to get it over with would be ridiculous!

Duration - Ramp up slowly or it will feel like a chore. I've been doing alright with 10 minutes to start but a part of me craves more.

Small Benefits - I've come to some interactions in my daily life that were slower then normal, I actually took the time to think about them and work them over in my mind before attacking them. This is odd for me, and I sincerely believe it has shown some improvement. I have been a bit more mindful as well, self-talking more positively. It's like these little pieces of the day I've taken and decided are for this have rediscovered the audience of myself again, and I'm more receptive to this input then I realized.